Dear god has it come to this?
To the weak (or stupid) of mind. Think of this as my Modest Proposal as Jonathan Swift and I’m advocating babies being fed to the homeless. Not to be taken so seriously … or is it?
It’s a conspiracy:
As a result of the massive arrests in the UK today our entire country is going to go through an uproar and quite possible will cause a national traveling melt down.
Liquids are banned from carry-on luggage and cannot be taken through security checkpoints. That includes drinks, toothpaste, perfume, shampoo, hair gel, suntan lotion and similar items. Drinks purchased in the airport cannot be carried onto flights.
You have got to be fucking kidding me. This is an OBVIOUS conspiracy on behalf of several prevalent industries in the United States.
First is the obvious … the airline industry. No liquids and especially drinks that were purchased outside of the plane (even in the terminal) are allowed to fly? Oh come ON. Fine, nothing brought in I can accept (for a month or so) due to recent events. But drinks purchased in the terminal just proves that this is their way of showing they’re onto the traveler who likes to bring their own booze on and not spend $4 on a cruddy cocktail. This the airlines way of making sure you buy their mini bottles and their mini bottles only, perhaps an attempt to liquidate their current supply of glass bottles. This possibly leads to another conspiracy that will be mentioned later.
Next is the sneakier conspiracy is a joint effort of the luggage and clothing industry. Shocking you say? Impossible? What product SPECIFICALLY always breaks open in luggage no matter HOW HARD you try to pack it up and gets all over everything you have packed. A bottle of water? No. Perhaps a box of chocolate as gift for relative, no it’s not that. SUNTAN lotion! Yes, that creamy or oily gooky crap gets put in your luggage and gets all over everything. We’ve now uncovered a third conspirator in this plot. It’s no surprise that recently most suntan lotions have gone spray on for this very reason. They want you to replace your old lotions and oils and purchase new package sprays. It’s genius. The luggage and clothing industries are happy because if you don’t buy new lotion ... well you have to buy new luggage when the stuff you have gets wrecked or starts reeking of tropical breeze or carrot ginger. It’s brilliant!
Hairgel. Ugh those poor flight attendants. Thank GOD for powder makeup, I mean … Jesus these women (and boys) would be just hideous on these Trans-Atlantic flights without a little bit of touching up between journeys. And the frequent flyer will be none too pretty themselves. I know I’m freaking out because I dehydrate quite easily and without my hydrating cream mask from L’Occitane I don’t know what I’ll do. All these airport L’Occitanes might as well close because now nobody can buy ANYTHING in them to take on the flight. PARIS IS BURNING. L’Provence is doomed! Oh the humanity.
And while we’re on the subject of the poor (gay) male flight attendants …. oh who am I kidding. They’re all gay who needs parentheses. No gels on board? Well their hair is going to look awful now. And god forbid, the mile high club is doomed! AH HA. ANOTHER CONSPIRACY on behalf of our dear Chimp of Office, er chief. I swear I meant Chief. In his campaign for moral order he is doing a way with the mile high club. I mean, without lube how will anyone pull it off? No more lube on airplanes. I know every working boy is pissed now that they have to CHECK luggage. If these bans aren’t lifted by Southern Decadence I can tell you N’Awlins is going to be FULL of chafing.
My final conspiracy. As Walter Brooke said so elegantly in the Graduate …
“I want to say one word to you. Just one word.”
“Are you listening?”
“Plastics.”
It’s a conspiracy:
As a result of the massive arrests in the UK today our entire country is going to go through an uproar and quite possible will cause a national traveling melt down.
Liquids are banned from carry-on luggage and cannot be taken through security checkpoints. That includes drinks, toothpaste, perfume, shampoo, hair gel, suntan lotion and similar items. Drinks purchased in the airport cannot be carried onto flights.
You have got to be fucking kidding me. This is an OBVIOUS conspiracy on behalf of several prevalent industries in the United States.
First is the obvious … the airline industry. No liquids and especially drinks that were purchased outside of the plane (even in the terminal) are allowed to fly? Oh come ON. Fine, nothing brought in I can accept (for a month or so) due to recent events. But drinks purchased in the terminal just proves that this is their way of showing they’re onto the traveler who likes to bring their own booze on and not spend $4 on a cruddy cocktail. This the airlines way of making sure you buy their mini bottles and their mini bottles only, perhaps an attempt to liquidate their current supply of glass bottles. This possibly leads to another conspiracy that will be mentioned later.
Next is the sneakier conspiracy is a joint effort of the luggage and clothing industry. Shocking you say? Impossible? What product SPECIFICALLY always breaks open in luggage no matter HOW HARD you try to pack it up and gets all over everything you have packed. A bottle of water? No. Perhaps a box of chocolate as gift for relative, no it’s not that. SUNTAN lotion! Yes, that creamy or oily gooky crap gets put in your luggage and gets all over everything. We’ve now uncovered a third conspirator in this plot. It’s no surprise that recently most suntan lotions have gone spray on for this very reason. They want you to replace your old lotions and oils and purchase new package sprays. It’s genius. The luggage and clothing industries are happy because if you don’t buy new lotion ... well you have to buy new luggage when the stuff you have gets wrecked or starts reeking of tropical breeze or carrot ginger. It’s brilliant!
Hairgel. Ugh those poor flight attendants. Thank GOD for powder makeup, I mean … Jesus these women (and boys) would be just hideous on these Trans-Atlantic flights without a little bit of touching up between journeys. And the frequent flyer will be none too pretty themselves. I know I’m freaking out because I dehydrate quite easily and without my hydrating cream mask from L’Occitane I don’t know what I’ll do. All these airport L’Occitanes might as well close because now nobody can buy ANYTHING in them to take on the flight. PARIS IS BURNING. L’Provence is doomed! Oh the humanity.
And while we’re on the subject of the poor (gay) male flight attendants …. oh who am I kidding. They’re all gay who needs parentheses. No gels on board? Well their hair is going to look awful now. And god forbid, the mile high club is doomed! AH HA. ANOTHER CONSPIRACY on behalf of our dear Chimp of Office, er chief. I swear I meant Chief. In his campaign for moral order he is doing a way with the mile high club. I mean, without lube how will anyone pull it off? No more lube on airplanes. I know every working boy is pissed now that they have to CHECK luggage. If these bans aren’t lifted by Southern Decadence I can tell you N’Awlins is going to be FULL of chafing.
My final conspiracy. As Walter Brooke said so elegantly in the Graduate …
“I want to say one word to you. Just one word.”
“Are you listening?”
“Plastics.”
posted by Scott Adler @ 10:27 AM
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